French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to
Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God
(we could use some humor today)
The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of
God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or
'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to
spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy.
Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during
their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first
action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at
strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful
girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's
nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the
work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of
passive smoking from the Frenchmen's endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also
contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen
Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by
the Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism
that fuels the Taliban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources
have recently confirmed rumours that America has already
sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. Follow me or die." |
