friday funnies...
There was this old man who lived in Canada near the border. One day some government surveyors came out to survey his land. After they were done that they told him that with the modern surveying equipment they had determined that his land was actually in the United States. The old man replied, "Thank God! I don't think I could have survived another Canadian winter!"
Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens...
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
Cowboy Wisdom:
** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.'
** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
** Rain dancin' only works if you have good timing.
** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
** Always drink upstream from the herd.
** Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
** You ain't generally learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-movin.'
** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
** Never kick a fresh cow patty on a hot day.
** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
** Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly bear.
** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
** Never miss a good chance to shut up.
10 reasons that dating a gay funeral director would be creepy
~ He always brings you flowers.
~ Whenever he sees a photo of Cher, he says,
"I wonder who did her embalming."
~ He uses the hearse to pick up lumber at Home Depot.
~ He wears too much black.
~ When he throws a barbeque, he wears an apron
that says, "I'd rather be cremating."
~ His idea of a great body, is one that doesn't leak.
~ He thinks there's nothing wrong with men
wearing makeup as long as it is "lifelike."
~ His life goal is to do Liza.
~ He invites his pals over to watch Friends and
Will & Grace by saying, "The viewing hours will be from 8 to 10."
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend
of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost.""Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there
they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's a woman's job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature. Hopefully, they'll turn out to be something she would like to have dinner with.
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
and finally...
"YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK CROSSDRESSER IF..."
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that
ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger
than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack,
a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the
tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon
Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your
fishnet stockings.
- You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with
pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your
Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your
motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-nosed
pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the
sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last
Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads you found on the
road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
- You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on
the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
have a great easter weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
