friday funnies...
Dear Diary
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I
felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me
to dine at his table.
TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with
the Captain.
WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an
officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship
if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
You know how to say "constipated" in German?
"Farfrumpoopen".
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor
they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor
leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell
is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She
begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she
has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your
complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray
about your carnal weakness."
As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around
the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last
veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to
withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray
for forgiveness."
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third
candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her
veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only
you have the true strength of character needed to become a great
priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around."
-- Milton Berle
"Never slap a man who chews tobacco."
-- Willard Scott
If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check...
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the
various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to
be a strain running from place to place, the religious
groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they
would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a
month on a rotating basis...
... It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come
this way before."
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to
log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's
got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock
effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he keys in "penis"...I nearly fell off the chair
from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching,"
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples.
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop
singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse. Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Dateline: Detroit -- Football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at the Silverdome for the Lions. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
"A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy
to thank her." - W. C. Fields
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
