HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES
"How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school
students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure
nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead
attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria,
unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"People claim we don't know as much
geography as our parents and grandparents,
but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior
at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told
the Senate Armed Services Committee.
"Back then they only had wars in, like,
Germany and England, but we're supposed to
know about places like Somalia and
Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman
Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.
Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing,
who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both
geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or
Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia
Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy?
It's boot-shaped."
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that
intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High
School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil
Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."
"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."
The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school
geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for
America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to
Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the
capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony
High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas
and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee
(Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."
"I've always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.)," said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of
Rhode Island. "Oh shit, is my microphone on?"
The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were
expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.
satirewire.com |
