Anyone who doesn't get Jeanette Walls' e-mail scoops from MSNBC ought to sign up. For some reason they don't get posted to the web, they're just e-mails.
April 15, 2002
Dear Readers:
No one in Hollywood was surprised when Julia Roberts and her married boyfriend split the week after People magazine ran a cover story about how "committed" they were to each other. Or when Robin Williams dumped agent Michael Ovitz, declaring that despite their "long and productive relationship," he wanted "to reunite with the resources of a full-service agency." Or when Mariah Carey was hospitalized for "exhaustion."
The stars all discussed their problems quite candidly. Well, maybe not in English as you or I know it, but in that peculiar dialect known as Hollywoodspeak, a language that is filled with peculiar euphemisms, double-talk, and, well, downright lies.
Hollywoodspeak may be confusing to those of us who don't work in show biz, where "great humanitarian" can mean "jerk" and where "I've always admired your work" is often a grave insult. And that is why, Dear Readers, I have prepared for you this spiffy Print-N-Save guide to commonly used Hollywood phrases and their literal translations.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: We're just good friends.
TRANSLATION: We're having an adulterous affair.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: Every couple has its ups and downs, but we're never been more in love and we're committed to working things out.
TRANSLATION: Our divorce lawyers are in negotiations.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I have a high metabolism.
TRANSLATION: I'm anorexic/bulimic.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I've fallen in love with British people and the British culture.
TRANSLATION: They think I'm cool over here!
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I've decided to start making more intimate, artistic films.
TRANSLATION: No one will give me a role in a big-budget movie these days.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I was hospitalized for dehydration.
TRANSLATION: I had a drug overdose.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I've been on a strict diet and workout regime.
TRANSLATION: I had liposuction.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I'm just happy to be nominated.
TRANSLATION: I'd kill my mother to win, but I don't stand a chance.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: Getting older is wonderful.
TRANSLATION: I've had so much work done that plastic surgeons won't touch me anymore.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: Let's do lunch sometime. I'll call you.
TRANSLATION: Piss off.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I never read what the tabloids write about me.
TRANSLATION: It's all true.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I've finally found someone who understands my needs.
TRANSLATION: I'm marrying my gay manager.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I thought I'd have a little fun with this outfit.
TRANSLATION: I'm so desperate to get photographed that I'm dressed like a cut-rate hooker.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I've always wanted to direct.
TRANSLATION: No one's offering me any roles so I have to make my own movies.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: Yoga has completely transformed my posture and my entire body shape.
TRANSLATION: I've had a tummy tuck, breast implants, and my butt lifted.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: We had creative differences.
TRANSLATION: Blood was shed on the set.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I have no idea how my replacement on the show is doing. I haven't watched since I left, but I wish her the best.
TRANSLATION: I can't stand that #&%@ and I rue the day I quit.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I'd love to be in a serious relationship. I just haven't found the right man/woman yet.
TRANSLATION: I'm gay.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: We love children. We just feel that now is not the right time.
TRANSLATION: I loathe the little monsters and don't want stretch marks.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I had to drop out of the film because of a prior commitment.
TRANSLATION: I got a better offer.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: Age is unimportant to us.
TRANSLATION: I'm sleeping with someone young enough to be my daughter. (Or, a rich, powerful old geezer.)
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I took some risks early in my career.
TRANSLATION: I used to be a porn star.
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I'm just much more at peace with myself lately. I've decided not to let little things get to me as much as they used to.
TRANSLATION: Botox rocks!
HOLLYWOODSPEAK: I like and admire Mike Ovitz and was saddened to hear about his current difficulties. But if I know Mike, he'll be at the top of his game again in no time.
TRANSLATION: That pond scum is finally getting what's coming to him. But I can't gloat out loud because the SOB has a way of coming back from the dead.
And finally, while I'm still feeling fluent in Hollywoodspeak, I would like to acknowledge the kind, clever people at DataLounge.com. It gives me great pleasure to give them the credit they deserve for inspiring this newsletter. (Translation: I stole their idea. Someone in the gossip forum asked about favorite Hollywood lies, so I took the idea and ran with it. It rankles me to give them credit, but I don't want to get sued, or even worse, publicly humiliated in their gossip forum.)
In the meantime, kiss, kiss. Ciao. I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls |
