ISRAEL TO CREATE "PEACE THROUGH BLOODSHED"
Ariel Sharon today announced the next phase of his plan to deliver lasting peace to Israel and the Middle East. Speaking to the world's media he said that "after the successful first phase of my master strategy to bring peace with security, I can announce that we shall now be moving to the next stage - 'Peace through Bloodshed'."
Mr Sharon announced the plan after he had spent "several lengthy seconds" considering other alternatives such as "negotiation with the Palestinians, liasing with other countries or complying with United Nations resolutions". Instead, he has adopted a strategy based on "some radical policies suggested by new cabinet colleagues from the ultra-nationalist National Religious Party and piloted by certain Central European countries, such as Serbia and Romania - before it went soft." Now bellowing through a "freshly bloodied" loudhailer he continued that "Israel can now look forward to peace via the creation of a Greater Israel."
Mr Sharon's proposals state that Israel will initially reoccupy the West Bank and Gaza. The three million Palestinians will then be re-housed in "New Palestine", an area described by Mr Sharon as a specially created and extensively landscaped garden city-state of approximately one square mile in the middle of the "lush and verdant" Sinai desert. The area will be reluctantly handed back from its current "essential use" as a cess-pit by an Israeli Settlement. Once this is completed, Israel will then be seeking to re-establish previous Jewish strongholds in other countries. The annexing of Poland, Latvia and Lithuania is thought to be a "very early goal".
Mr Sharon also explained that the new policy would provide Israel with a "golden opportunity" to test out its weapons arsenal. "It seems a shame to have got America to give us all of these weapons and then just use them for boring old defence," he explained. "With this new policy we can really get to see how effective they are at destroying houses or dispatching terrorists secreted within large numbers of pesky civilians."
In response, Yasser Arafat offered his support and commitment to peace by announcing that he was immediately stepping up the Palestinian "Peace through Mindless Slaughter" campaign. "We feel confident that by selecting keen individuals to blow themselves to bits in the middle of crowds of innocent civilians we can show how truly we long for peace and harmony with our Israeli brethren," announced Mr Arafat. He then went on to launch a new "Suicide Cub Scout" initiative. This will involve a specially selected group of children who have agreed to strap large quantities of explosives to themselves and blow themselves up in Israeli schools in return for a visit to Kentucky Fried Chicken and a special suicide bomber apprentice badge. "They're finger lickin' good" beamed an excited Mr Arafat.
Middle East relations expert and Cambridge academic Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush noted that as far as he was concerned they could all blow each other to "smithereens" as long as they didn't "bloody well bring it over here."
thebrainstrust.co.uk
Of course, there's always the 'Fluffy Bunnies' issue for those who can't take reality.
The Christian, Muslim, Jewish faiths have all converged in one lovely Godtastic religion which will also eschew celibacy, sexism, racism and welcome atheists. Contact has been made with extra-terrestrials from outer space. Not only are their motives peaceable, but they have also passed on an excellent recipe for waffles. Estate agents, insurance salesman and politicians agree to exile themselves to the Falkland Isles "as they prefer their own company anyway".
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