friday funnies...
A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!" The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.
"JUMP!", he yells. But this time the flea doesn't jump. Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book: "After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf."
A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo."The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses till you heave.
9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.
8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it.
7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns."
4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.
3. Sleep in until 6:00am.
2. Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a
Playboy Magazine.
1. Churn butter naked.
American Sex Laws still on the books:
~ In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man
to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
~ It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse
during sex.
~ In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.
~ No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
~ Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed
to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or
holding you in his arms.
~ Bozeman, Montana has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -
if they're nude.
~ In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart
when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make
love on the floor between the beds!
~ The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex
unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
~ An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!
~ A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
~ In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
~ However, in Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."
~ It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait proximately two minutes
before getting out of his car to investigate.
~ Another law in Helena, Montana mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.
~ Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
~ In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or
van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
~ A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
~ Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-
a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
~ No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged
with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
** Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
** A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
** A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman
30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and
learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull,
then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose
love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front
said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
A young boy was kneeling by his bed and saying his prayers and
asked God to make him a good boy.
The boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son
praying "And make me a good boy if You can. And if You can't,
don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
