JDSU announces new link
Fiber optic heavyweight JDS Uniphase announced today that it had opened the first fiber optic link to the moon. This link, accomplished through innovative use of satellite technology fiber uplink (STFU) technology, will enable mass communications, Internet access, video and large scale data transfer, and online interactive Three Stooges marathons on all moon colonies. Early orders for the service have been slow, as the moon is not expected to be colonized until at least 2050 and last mile connections will not be available to end users there until at least 2080.
The STFU link cost $14.3 billion and will be amortized over a five year period. Asked about possible writedowns for losses, JDSU Chief Financial Officer Anthony Muller said “It’s really no problem. We wrote off more than three times that much money once. Losses are really an essential part of our corporate culture, and to us they signify the willingness to take the risks necessary to achieve significant market share. We are comfortable that no other company will exceed our lunar market share for at least a century.”
Rumors have circulated for months that JSDU’s lunar strategy grew out of the corporate slogan, “To Da Moon!”, which was coined during the stock market bubble days and inexplicably remained through the phantom "New Bull Market" of Sept. 2001-2004, during which major market indexes lost half their remaining value. Though its meaning has changed somewhat over the years, JDSU Co-Chairmen Josef Straus and Martin Kaplan indicated during the company’s quarterly conference call that “To Da Moon!” remained a viable corporate slogan and insisted they had no plans to change course for the company.
Reports of technical problems with the STFU link persist. Because this is the first solid fiber link to the lunar surface, it is subject to interference from airplanes, space satellites, kites, lawn mowers, and hedge clippers crossing its path into the sky. Nevertheless, JDSU engineers have managed to keep it up and running an impressive 12 percent of the time during the beta testing phase. Actual results during normal operations may vary, the engineers warn.
In a related story, the saliva dripping from the mouths of plaintiff’s lawyers caused the retention pond at JDSU’s San Jose headquarters to overflow late Monday.
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