This is what else is new. I just got this email from Poet. I have known everything in it, and more, and there is more:
I just read through all the
posts on Beanies. What I've written below is my good-bye. Please PM it
to Laz first. I hope to God you understand why I'm leaving and don't
feel angry at me for it. I want so much to remain friends.
Jewel guessed right: it's not that my PM's to CH were sexy(though I may
have mentioned being a painter's model and posing for a nude, long since
given to Bill as a gift and hanging on our bedroom wall), but the following:
1. I made comments about other posters, after CH asked my opinion,
that I don't want published. They were casual utterances made over a
year ago.
2. And most upsetting, is that I divulged not only my childhood sexual
abuse to him, but the details of my PTSD and how the harassment that
had been directed at me by another SI poster re-triggered the trauma. I
went on to tell him of the prolonged and nasty custody battle between
myself and my ex-husband, who eventually won custody based on my having
been so profoundly abused. I shared how much this had hurt me, had
hurt her, and how the pain never goes away. He was very kind in
response, but as I saw the information I had shared with him, both in
friendship and in confidence, leak out into his posts on SI (he
mentioned the fact that there was a custody battle and my daughter
doesn't live with me, he's mentioned my emotional fragility) as early as
last August, I had a terrible feeling I had misjudged him. This is when
I started to ask him to leave me alone.
I've had a lot of time to think about this, to see my own weaknesses and
mistakes in this situation. I tend to trust too much and have often
trusted the wrong people. In this way, I have perpetuated my own
re-traumatization. I know that many people tend to scoff at PTSD, or
to think that it's more noble to have gotten it through wartime service
than through service to an abusive parent, but that's not true. It's a
chronic and debilitating problem, one which I've spoken out about on the
internet, particularly after September 11th. Everything I do, from
spending most of my time in quiet rooms, to regular exercise, to
maintaining a strict sleep schedule, is designed to help me manage the
symptoms on my own. And yet when a general event (like 9-11) happens,
or someone acts toward me in ways my abuser did (and it's classic
abusive behavior to insinuate that the victim, even a child, was
seductive and 'wanted it'), I fall into that dark space again. The
nightmares return, the shaking hands, the jumpiness, the incessant
diarrhea, the gagging and the awful fear. I don't want to live this
way. Life is too precious and I have so much poetry to write, having
started so late in life.
So I'm making the decision to leave SI. I'm no longer trading (a recent
development) so don't need the market information. Any friends I've
made I can communicate with via e-mail. I cannot tell you how grateful
I am to you, to Laz, to jla, Bill, Constant Reader, Yogi, Jewel of the
West, Bonuss in Austin, and anyone else who stuck their necks out and
said this was harassment, who wouldn't let it go even after being
chastised and derided. Christopher Hodgkin used the personal
information I had given him about my family and my health to hurt me in
just the way I told him I was vulnerable. And he did it very
effectively. I don't know why he did it, what possible gratification he
could receive from terrifying someone on the internet and for upsetting
her family to the extent that they are considering legal action. The
reasons don't matter to me anymore and it has become apparent to me that
the behavior will not stop.
I wanted, from the relative safety and quiet of my own home, a place to
share ideas and opinions with other people. I've made some wonderful
friends and have learned a lot about politics, science and religion over
the past few years. I've become a clearer thinker because of my time on
SI. And if I've given to others even half of the laughs, the insights,
and the comfort that I've received here, I'll be pleased.
Be good to each other. |
