friday funnies...
A man, his wife, and seven children where waiting in a bus stop. After some time a blind mad joins them. The bus arrives. The blind man and the large family find themselves walking because of the crowded bus. The blind man starts tapping his stick on the road, which seems to annoy the husband who shouts at the blind man...."Can't you put a rubber to the end of your stick to avoid that irritating noise."To this the blind man replies....If you would have put a rubber to the end of your stick we all would have been in the bus".
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "SCHMUCK".At the next Friday night services the Rabbi announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this
week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name... and forgot to write a letter."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat."
"We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception."
"Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids
move out and the dog dies."
"One guy says to the other, 'Do you and your wife have mutual climax?' The other said, 'I think we have Prudential'."
~ Milton Berle ~
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
pick-up lines
Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken leg?
No??? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
Do you sleep on your stomach?
Can I?
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?
Hey baby, what do you say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder?!?
Oh, you're a bird watcher....(Whip out your unit and ask) Well, would you take this for a swallow?
You touch his shirt and ask, "Is this cotton?" Wait for response. Then touch down in the crotch area and say, "Oh, this must be felt."
Excerpts from Real Science Papers Written by Kids
*One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
*You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close
you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
*Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their
names sound.
*It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
Ebonics Ten Commandments
1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him
neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin like dat.
Signs of The Recent Recession:
-The Paper company that folded.
-The Brake company on the skids.
-The Bra manufacturers that went bust.
-The Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary.
-The Cigarette company that went up in smoke.
-The Baker who was short of dough.
-The Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen.
-The Corset firm that felt the squeeze.
-The Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs.
-The Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation.
-The Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court.
-The Downfall of the bungee suppliers.
-The Train company that went off the rails.
-The Ship building company that sunk.
-The Dental practice that was rotten to it's roots.
Outtakes of Jay Leno Wartime Humor:
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal. Today, Congress took the president's lead. They are accepting bribes again."
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it's a special episode that makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
"Bush's popularity is still way, way up there. Today, he was telling Dick Cheney what to do."
"The New York State Department of Health estimates that since September 11th, the incidence of teenage smoking has risen more than 30%. Since most of their soldiers are teenagers, I say we should bomb the Taleban front line with anthrax-laced cigarettes. It could be just another public service provided by Philip Morris."
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. In the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names."
`````
What charges can you bring against a transvestite? Male fraud.
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A few minutes later, the man ordered another beer and the bartender became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on his hand. A short while later, the man ordered yet another beer. The bartender finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?"The irritated guy replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink?
get out and enjoy the weather this weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
