You are
absolutely the worst friend anyone could have, like something in a Gothic novel!
I'm not surprised you would say that to X.
But frankly, I think that if you understand her, which I grant is not easy, she shows up as potentially one of the best friends a person could have, if she were ever willing actually to be your friend and not just an on-line bantering companion.
Having been that with her in spaces, there is a faint hope that maybe some day we may progress eventually, by gradual stages filled with fits and starts, and over the course of many years, into something approaching actual friendship.
If it happens, I would consider it a privilege.
I'm sorry you see it so differently. But then, being your friend has been no piece of cake for anybody, either.
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