not quite friday funnies...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street, when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three
suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall shiny golden retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Um, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever. "My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Duct tape is like "the force." It has a light side; It has a dark side;
and it holds the universe together!
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN...
*Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
*Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.
*Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.
*Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
*Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
*Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
*Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
*After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said: "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So
he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him
down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
Scientific Thoughts by Kids...
1. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
2. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
3. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to
chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
4.Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
5.Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Advice to Northerners moving South...
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's
is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS HIDING MULLAH OMAR
10. In his garage are a 1997 Mazda Protege and a camel.
9. His last name is Schmidt -- the mailbox reads "Schmidt/Omar."
8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night vision.
7. Has bumper sticker "Al Qaeda members do it in caves."
6. The place reeks of goat.
5. Comes over and asks to borrow a cup of sand.
4. Driveway sign reads "Don't even think about parking here" in Pashtu.
3. Claims the bearded, turbaned guy you saw is a Swedish exchange student.
2. He declared a Jihad against crabgrass.
1. His kitty is wearing a burqa
(Letterman, 1/8/02).
Real Accident Insurance Claims...
** I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
** I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
** Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
** The other car collided with mine without giving warning.
** I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
** The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
** I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
** In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
** I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
** I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
** As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
** My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
** An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
** I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
** I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
** The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
** I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
** The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
** The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him!
enjoy the holiday weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
