Dear Poet,
It has fallen to my lot, on past occasions, to apologize for those constitutionally incapable of trusting their soft underbelly to others. It seems I must do so again.
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I am sorry I was too obstinate to disengage when you had made it clear that my attentions and public innuendo were become, not merely unwelcome, but hurtful, injurious, and damaging. It is a failing of mine that I feel the need to win at all costs. It was this need which caused me to dig in my heels, and to treat all intervention with sarcasm, flippancy, and disdain. I was angry, and I used this anger to bury the distress and self abhorrence which gnawed at my insides--regardless of my bluster and my contrived "attitude".
Again, I am so sorry. Especially when your husband addressed me personally--it was my opportunity to acknowledge that the situation was very real, and that real people and feelings were involved. But the perversity of my need to win (as I have stated) caused me to respond with an aggressive rejoinder.
Well, I hope it may be acknowledged that it was often difficult to be vulnerable in a public forum with characters diverse and sometimes unsavoury. However, I ought to have freed you from my obsessive threats and innuendo, and given you a heartfelt and entirely unconditional apology. I could then have dealt with hyenas, cows, and lions on a one-to-one basis, and carried my points one at a time; as those points would have been freed from their attachment to ubiquitous guilt, and widespread condemnation.
But I did not do what I could and should have done. I chased you down a hard path, and I have wandered lonely in a dark wood without soul or light. I am wretched, lonely, and pitiable. I now know that this is the place where men find their heart, and their iron. From this place, and on this day...I begin to become a man. Please forgive me for being such an unmitigated ass. But even if you be not able to...I must move on.
I wish you peace and happiness,
C. H. |
