"I''ve had a lot of time to think about this, to see my own weaknesses and
mistakes in this situation. I tend to trust too much and have often
trusted the wrong people. In this way, I have perpetuated my own
re-traumatization. I know that many people tend to scoff at PTSD, or
to think that it's more noble to have gotten it through wartime service
than through service to an abusive parent, but that's not true. It's a
chronic and debilitating problem, one which I've spoken out about on the
internet, particularly after September 11th. Everything I do, from
spending most of my time in quiet rooms, to regular exercise, to
maintaining a strict sleep schedule, is designed to help me manage the
symptoms on my own. And yet when a general event (like 9-11) happens,
or someone acts toward me in ways my abuser did (and it's classic
abusive behavior to insinuate that the victim, even a child, was
seductive and 'wanted it'), I fall into that dark space again.The
nightmares return, the shaking hands, the jumpiness, the incessant
diarrhea, the gagging and the awful fear. I don't want to live this
way. Life is too precious and I have so much poetry to write, having
started so late in life."
Your words, above
I think of that as very fragile- if that isn't fragile, I don't know what is. You have your definition of yourself, I have mine. |
