ot
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
San Antonio, Texas (SatireWire.com) ? Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns
and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV,
then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez
of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my
daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives
were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River
near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's
320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By
late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated
Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200
percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco,
transferred its underperforming areas to a private
partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders
riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always
stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep
shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every
time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they
refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all
damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last
night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening
devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas.
"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking
their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up
someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this
method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's
John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest,
Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and
Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the
CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured,
including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso
where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the
Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but
she was stopping motorists to ask
for marzipan and food coloring so
she could make edible snowman
place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer
Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico,
Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all
the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale." |
