friday funnies...
children's jokes...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down
to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the
details.
She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but
he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well how much do you
have? The sailor said that he only had $25. So I told him for $25 all
I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after getting the
finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then
a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the
second hand."
"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what
did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.
One day a priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms."
So they both followed. First God gave the priest his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said the priest.
Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. "God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to the priest?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, we get priests by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."
The newly married man came home from work to find his bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a very skimpy negligee. "Guess what's for dinner," she asked seductively? "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today...."
Children's Books You'll Never See...
~ "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
~ "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
~ "You Are Different and That's Bad"
~ "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
~ "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
~ "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
~ "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
~ "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
~ "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
~ "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
~ "Start a Real-estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
~ "Pop! Goes The Hamster ... And Other Great Microwave Games"
~ "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud thump and then he would swerve back on the road. This past time was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church five miles down the road!" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud thud. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
One morning Mahatma Gandhi
Had a hard-on, and it was a dandy.
So he called to his aide,
"Please bring me a maid,
Or a goat, or whatever is handy."
Aussie Slang Terms.....
Airplane Blonde:
One who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.
Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Beaver Leaver:
A homosexual.
Greyhound:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Mumbler:
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc., i.e. you can see the
'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.
X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus
a year older 6/22...
1858 Giacomo Puccini, Italian operatic composer (La Bohème; Madame Butterfly)
1949 Meryl Streep, American actress
old news...
1611 Explorer Henry Hudson was cast adrift with his son by mutineers in the Arctic, and never seen again. (that was cold hearted)
1847 The doughnut was invented. (homer's favorite anniversary, doh!)
1968 The Jeff Beck group made its US debut at The Fillmore East, NYC. Lead singer Rod Stewart had stage fright and hid behind a speaker cabinet through the first song. (rod...stage fright? naw just show boating )
1969 American singer and actress Judy Garland died from an overdose of sleeping pills.
1981 Mark David Chapman pleaded guilty to first degree murder charges for killing John Lennon
1989 Seven students in China were shot after televised show trials for their part in the Tienanmen Square protests.
(note...i lost my other source for events and bdays. i am looking for another
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted. "Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him." "And when was that?" "When he asked for his second cup."
---------------------------------------
and finally...
Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble, George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates then swallows and a grin appears on his face. He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other parts of the Matzoh or just the balls?"
good fortune...
pops
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