I have an idea of what I call the "homunculus", that is, the mind functioning in an aware but unarticulated (hence, not fully conscious) way. The homunculus, for example, makes sure that you find an excuse to run into someone in compromising circumstances, even while consciously exerting yourself to avoid him, or makes sure that you "accidentally" ruin your sister's dress even though you continually assure her that you do not mind that she is going out with your ex- boyfriend.
It is, of course, possible to set aside anger, but only when strongly motivated. For example, forgiveness that is enjoined as a spiritual requirement, when the person is very pious, works. Similarly, when one is persuaded that carrying around a grievance is screwing up one's own life, it is possible to use highly motivated self- interest to put it to bed. Maybe you have found such an out, and maybe it works consistently. In most instances, though, there must be some degree of relief, if not full satisfaction, in order to feel that one's grievance was not merely ignored. The classic example is not being able to forgive until the person has abased himself, since self- abasement is a kind of punishment.
The other possibility is to be so guilt- laden, or lacking in self- regard, that you think you deserve mistreatment, or, at least, that it is no big deal, but that does not seem to fit you.
Thus, I come back to the homunculus, and suggest that a combination of willingness to drop things at a point short of full revenge, and unconscious revenge, accounts for golden slumbers. If, for example, you divorced your husband in a more- than- ordinarily humiliating way, then you got him back to a substantial degree. If you have stopped talking to people when you knew that it would hurt them or cause them humiliation to be cut, then you are exacting a penalty. If you have let slip something "inadvertently" that was damaging to someone you were angry at, there is a good chance that it was the homunculus getting her back. Etc.
Again, this is speculative, of course. But I have too often had people protest to me that they never got angry, when it was apparent from their demeanor that they often did, or assure me they did not believe in revenge, then turn around and gossip terribly about enemies, or other such behavior, that I cannot take statements about not being vengeful or prone to hostility at face value....... |
