Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San Antonio, Texas (SatireWire. com)
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U. S. companies made
a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and
writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel
Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande
River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension
fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and
declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private
partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First
of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep
shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And when we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!',
they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness.
"Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said
U. S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale
sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,"
said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that."
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay
Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur
Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis
Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained
south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off
Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and
food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the
arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning
sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk
of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the
minivans and accounting for each change as a sale." |
