VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY'S REMARKS TO NEWLY BANKRUPTED STOCKHOLDERS OF THE HALLIBURTON CORPORATION
Statement by the Vice President (satire)
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. This is going to be short and sweet. I have a vacation to get back to.
As you know, before I became Vice President, I was CEO of the Halliburton Corporation from 1995 to 2000. This week, SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt, who has me to thank for his damned job in the first place, announced that he will aggressively investigate me over Halliburton accounting practices during my tenure. Furthermore, the ultra-conservative group Judicial Watch, which was instrumental in bringing about Bill Clinton's impeachment - has filed a lawsuit accusing me of engaging in accounting fraud. And to top it off, President Bush has very publicly professed my innocence in a semi-successful attempt to divert media attention away from his dirty Harken deal back in 1990.
Hey - I see the writing on the wall. I'm being set up as the fall guy. But that's OK. I mean, I was going to bow out of the picture in 2004 anyway. Tom Ridge can do my job. He's just sitting around making Powerpoint presentations that nobody cares about anyway. And this robo-ticker in my chest is on its last legs, so if I'm ever going to accompany Lynne on one of her cross-country book burning tours, it might as well be now. Besides, it's not like I'm going to live long enough to ever have to do time. So why not just go with the flow?
All that said, I did want to take a minute to speak directly to all the poor folks who still own shares of Halliburton. I know that some of you are hurting - primarily those of you who were too clueless to follow my lead and cash out before the stock went into the toilet. I know that you've had a rough couple years watching your retirement savings and children's college funds simply vaporize - and I know you're wondering just how you're ever going to recover. Yes, I know all these things as I sit here atop my $50 million personal fortune. But I want you to know just one more thing, and to really really listen to me and take it to heart: I have a heavily armed Secret Service detail - and will for the rest of my life.
This concludes my remarks on this subject. Thank you. |
