McDonald's To Sell Only Beanie Babies
DES PLANES, IL — Ending a chapter in the history of American fast food culture, McDonald's Corporation announced today that all food and drink products are being removed from its restaurants' menus in order to accommodate the nation's voracious appetite for new Beanie Babies.
During a press conference at the company's headquarters in Des Plaines, IL, Chairman and CEO Jack Greenberg explained the decision.
"With more than 25,000 restaurants in 116 countries, McDonald's is one of the most widely recognized brand names in the world. Over the past 44 years, we have established and maintained the world's highest standards for quality food at a fair price and outstanding customer service.
"Following the explosive success of our Teeny Beanie Babies® promotional campaign last year, however, and realizing there are plenty of competing restaurants where consumers will still be able to purchase good food inexpensively, we have decided to take the bold steps of eliminating food from our menus and focusing exclusively on the sales of Beanie Babies."
While fans of classic McDonald's products — including the Big Mac, Egg McMuffin, Quarter Pounder, and their famous french fries — have expressed frustration over the decision, overweight and unemployed middle-aged Midwestern women are thrilled silly by the news.
"This is great!" said Brenda Gardner, a 34-year-old homemaker from Monroe, GA. "Now I won't have to buy anymore Happy Meals just to get the Beanie Baby I want." Last year, during the company's wildly successful inclusion of Teeny Beanie Babies in Happy Meals, Gardner purchased 32 Happy Meals over a two-week period in her attempt to acquire the coveted Glory the Bear.®
Gardner's sentiments are shared by Clarksburg, WV, resident Beth Lindsay. The 42-year-old mother of two, with a collection of nearly 300 Beanie Babies and an optically enhanced T3 internet connection to eBay, shared her thoughts.
"This is friggin' great!" she exclaimed. "Now I won't get kicked out of the restaurant anymore for disguising myself to fool the clerks to get around that pesky 'one-per-customer' b.s."
According to Greenberg, the transition will take place on a location-by-location basis, with restaurants depleting their inventory of food products before the transformation occurs. Hundreds of thousands of new Beanie Babies manufactured exclusively for this changeover — including Huggable Hamburglar, Freaky Fry Guys, and Gullible Grimace — are already packaged and awaiting distribution.
Greenberg ended the press conference by unveiling McDonald's new corporate slogan, to be featured in numerous upcoming television and radio commercials:
"You Deserve a Floppy, Sand-Filled Plush Toy Today."
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