Great story, Ray.
Character development is a little weak; "evyl scheme" is a trite, corny, hackneyed cliche; there doesn't seem to be any real point; and the casual reader is left wishing someone/anyone would stimulate the author with an electric cattle prod just to add a little dramatic interest (maybe, if you're contemplating a sequel, your disgusted friend could do the honors? Just an idea...).
But beyond that, I think you've managed to transcend the insignificance of your material, the inconsequential nature of your protagonist, and the unimaginative ineptness of your treatment, to produce a vignette that, whatever else it may be lacking, is at least admirably brief.
And that brevity becomes you. You should cultivate it. Perhaps you could become the first minimalist of paranoid lunatic fringe political commentary? |
