Thoughts
<<From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." (Saturday Night Live)
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I
didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower. Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some
tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the
last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like
they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting
for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved
up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I
used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd
that I drive without pants. Age 15
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong
to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age
15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which
Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside
me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and
wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in
the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the
Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic
elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and
strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting
farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. Age 15 >> |
