2003 Predictions for Crocodile
1.) "Survivor" goes to Siberia. Ratings crash and burn as the public becomes bored with reality shows.
2.) Using tissue engineering, scientists grow the first cloned mouse ear onto the back of a human.
3.) The POG peaks at $912 on February 3rd after a rumor begins circulating that a good portion of the shiny gold stuff in world banks is just spray-bombed silver. The rumor is quickly squashed, but the POG just drops down to hover around $540 as traders nervously consider the possibility of a massive cover-up of global proportions. After all, why not? Would anyone be surprised to find out the rumor was true?
4.) New owners of Segways are dismayed to find that many states will require them to register and buy license plates for them. State legislators cite the need for "control" over the new vehicles to prevent possible traffic violations and hit-and-run accidents, but in truth, it's all just another government tax grab.
5.) Researchers discover that Genetically Modified potatoes are to blame for a sharp rise in gross obesity among consumers of french fries. In a shocking revelation, scientists admit that the most commonly grown variety of french fry potato has been accidentally altered with DNA from a corn variety used to raise rapid-gain corn-fed hogs, and that this trait works equally as effectively on humans. Meanwhile, insurance companies, fearing an incredible consumer backlash to this genetic-engineering fiasco, quickly draft limited liability clauses to protect their butts from potential lawsuits.
6.) Oil prices rise to $56 a barrel, but then tank down to $9 following news that scientists in India have found a way to modify SUVs so that they will run on condensed cow-belches. American auto manufacturers soon follow India's lead as they rapidly move to condense the abundant noxious gases produced on factory hog and broiler-chicken farms throughout the southern U.S.
7.) A cure for all cancers is found in a compound isolated from a colony of rare lungwort bryophytes in New Hampshire. Unfortunately, before the colony receives special protected status, a land developer blasts away their host rocks to make way for a new housing development.
8.) Following a record summer of droughts throughout much of the world, water begins trading on the world financial markets and hits $22 a barrel. Futures traders peg forward contracts at $37 a barrel for July 2004 delivery.
9.) A team of graduate student physicists, while conducting experiments at the Stanford particle accelerator, destabilize matter and create a black hole that swallows Silicon Valley. Illogically, but not surprisingly, the Nasdaq pops 400 points on the news.
10.) In a move to defuse the level of military aggression running rampant throughout the world, a team of Canadian scientists led by Dr. "Spuds" McKenzie, invents a secret device which emits powerful rays capable of turning all forms of assault weapons and artillery into potato guns and cannons. The same device neutralizes bombs of all types, turning them into harmless stink bombs. Dr. McKenzie is awarded the 2003 Noble Peace Prize for his efforts to bring about world peace.
11.) Absolutely uncontestable proof of First Contact occurs when a shipload of aliens make its conspicuous appearance in L.A., landing their spaceship on a freeway to block rush-hour traffic while demanding an explanation for the mysterious discontinuance of The X-Files.
12.) Paleontologists and anthropologists, working together, make the frightful discovery that humans are NOT descended from apes as previously thought, but are, in fact, descended from locusts, thus explaining the human race's terrible propensity for multiplying and destroying everything in its path as it seeks to consume every last tree and blade of grass on Planet Earth. |
