ot funnies "christmas leftovers..."
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas
present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
It took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it
into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
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'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
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Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are: "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."
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A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for
the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their
own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a
religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
generally accepted calendar year 2003, but not without due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions have helped make our society great, without regard
to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the
wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually
implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no
responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these
greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
............................
My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!
Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.
But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They could't do a thing to me!
I took him back to WalMart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I took back his mother the next year!
They'll take anything back at WalMart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!
............................
On the twelfth day of AOL they gave to me,
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnection's,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
............................
and finally...
Top signs that Santa is having marriage problems
1. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish
exchange students.
2. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
3. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
4. He's been spending a little too much time with the
life-sized Holiday Barbie
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant
from New Jersey.
6. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's
awake, because he's bugged the bedroom.
7. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings
the elves their morning coffee.
8. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front
of the fireplace.
9. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
10. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
hope all christians celebrating had a merry christmas...i did...
good fortune...
pops
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002 |
