Operation Florida
"Yes, believe it or not we are now more than halfway
through the American electoral cycle, which is of course a far
more important factor in the timing of any
war than Iraqi winters or UN resolutions. "
John O'Farrell
Saturday December 28, 2002
The Guardian
In the United States it is the custom to
include in your Christmas card an annual
update on all the things that your family
have been up to during the previous 12
months. Needless to say, this practice
has become the excuse for highly
selective reporting, thinly veiled boasting
and general oneupmanship between
friends and relations.
Colleagues of ex-President Bush were
particularly irked by the round-robin they
received from George Snr and Barbara
this Christmas: "Young George W is
getting on just fine in his new job of
President of the United States (thanks for
the help, Jeb!). He is looking forward to
starting World War Three in the new year
and Dad has been helping him find Iraq on
the old family atlas. Coincidentally, this is
also the time that he'll be beginning his
campaign for re-election, and as Dubya
says: 'I will not be impedemented!' "
Yes, believe it or not we are now more
than halfway through the American
electoral cycle, which is of course a far
more important factor in the timing of any
war than Iraqi winters or UN resolutions. You can understand why George W Bush
wants a military victory a year before his
presidential election, but why do British
troops need to be involved in his crude bid
for electoral popularity?
Apart from all the death and suffering that
British squaddies would inflict upon the
already oppressed Iraqi people, the troops
themselves would be at great risk of being
killed, injured or entertained by Jim
Davidson. So wouldn't it be safer and far
more honest if our boys were simply
deployed in key marginal states across
the pond to go canvassing for the US
Republican party?
Instead of helping George W Bush get
re-elected by joining a war in the Gulf, Her
Majesty's armed forces would be
parachuted into New Hampshire, where
they could give out glossy leaflets saying
"Re-elect Bush and Cheney 2004!" Dubya
would still be grateful to Tony Blair, but no
horrific war crimes would be committed
and British servicemen would all come
back safe and sound, except for the
unfortunate few who got lost in downtown
Detroit.
Obviously, getting the SAS to do a little
light political canvassing on a Saturday
morning might involve a small amount of
retraining. On their first attempt the elite
forces would probably try to make contact
with the voters by abseiling down from the
roof and smashing through the upstairs
windows, before detonating stun grenades
and smoke canisters. The residents, lying
quivering on the floor with a British army
boot pressed down on their head and an
SA-80 assault rifle pointing at their
temple, would then be asked a couple of
politely worded questions about their
current voting intentions. And when they
stammered that they would probably be
voting for Ralph Nader, they'd be shot
through the back 127 times. So the SAS's
usual approach is probably going to need
toning down a bit, though in its favour no
one would accuse these particular
Republican canvassers of being soft on
gun control.
Other British servicemen could be brought
in as well. Instead of blowing up Baghdad,
the RAF could just blow up thousands of
red, white and blue balloons. Chieftain
tanks could be converted to fire tickertape
and streamers, and the band of the Royal
Marines could learn to trumpet their way
through such US election classics as
Simply the Best and You Ain't Seen
Nothing Yet.
Of course we would all prefer it if the
delivery of US Republican party leaflets
could be done by the whole of the United
Nations working together. But if the UN
fails to take this historic opportunity to
make itself relevant to the post 9/11 global
scenario and it falls to US and British
forces to get George Bush re-elected on
our own, then we will not shirk from our
moral duty to mobilise our troops to give
out little lapel buttons with pictures of
George W to key voters in swing states.
Between you and me, there is another
reason why this is by far the best
solution. During the last Gulf war, there
were so many military cock-ups and
disasters that you can be sure that the
same thing would happen if the US and
British armies were in charge of Bush's
re-election campaign.
The 1991 conflict
saw allied troops killed by friendly fire,
Patriot missiles repeatedly failing to
knock out Scuds, and SAS troops being
dropped in the wrong place with the wrong
equipment. Bringing all this inexpertise to
bear on Bush's election campaign is the
only chance that the Democrats have.
So call up the reservists, send our boys
over the Atlantic with their jamming rifles
and their crashing Royal Navy destroyers
and, God speed, with our help the Global
Village Idiot will be cast out of the White
House in 2004.
Some have said that it is not the job of the
British army to bring about "regime
change" in a sovereign country. But in
Bush's case I'm sure we can make an
exception.
comment"guardian.co.uk
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