friday funnies...
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi,
my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load?"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if
they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my
name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load !"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out
of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she
says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA
and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK
..............................
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind
her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their
grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks
she had given.... The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a
friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused their
change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign
the checks."
.................................
A Native American walks into a posh restaurant.
The maitre'd greets him at the counter and says,
"I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available at this time." "That's okay", replies the Indian,
"I have a reservation."
................................
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
...............................
The Bozo criminal for today comes from...
Gaithersburg, Maryland
where there had been a number of new appliances stolen from townhomes that
were being built. Police were on the site investigating the theft of a
refrigerator from one of the homes when they noticed our bozo Freddie Simon
pull up in his pickup. He backed the truck up to the dumpster on the site
and tossed in...a large cardboard box that the refrigerator he had stolen
had come in. He's under arrest.
................................
The Bozo criminal for today comes from...
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
where bozo Edney Rivera fled the scene of an assault on foot with the cops
in hot pursuit. Sprinting down the sidewalk and fearing that the cops were
gaining on him, our bozo turned his head around to take a look and ran smack
into a parking meter. The officers helped him up and hauled him away.
................................
The Bozo criminal for today comes from...
Santa Rosa, California,
where bozo Tyrone Brown stole a Chrysler PT Cruiser from a car dealership.
Our bozo hadn't driven very far when he noticed that the car was low on
fuel. Thinking he could bring it back and exchange it for one with more gas,
our bozo drove slowly back by the dealership. Unfortunately, the police were
there investigating the crime and spotted our bozo as he drove by. A brief
chase ensued with the police catching up to our bozo when his car ran out of gas.
..................................
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
.................................
Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal. The Viagra pills
scoff at them. One Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks,
"Don't you think we should be legal?" "No," said the Viagra pills, "We
are hard on drugs."
....................................
and finally...
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact,
he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow
driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a
game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came
the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her
naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before,
he became very excited and lost control
of the car.
He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a
tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried
to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll
have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road,
he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she
sobs, "He's stuck and i can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, i'm afraid there's no hope for him."
...............................
"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." --Buddy Hackett
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2003
good fortune...
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