friday funnies...
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time
in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a
change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got
ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.
I swam across the river...see, my suit's still damp...ran
out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter,
landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried
here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the
boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
........................
a no frills airline...
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect
a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact
change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten
your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for
gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows
off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and
he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing
before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let
off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
........................
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in the West. Sam
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their room and says to his wife. "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope".
Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. .......... Shoulda
bought a hat.
..............................
A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three
sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money,
he would like to know what each of them would like to have.
He stressed that MONEY was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The
father went out, and since money was no object, bought him
7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different
one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So
the father went out, and again since money was no object,
bought him 30 new motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10
touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every
day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the
little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit.
So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his
son the Dallas Cowboys... haw haw haw
.......................
Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting
all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could
enter one such village, the villagers decide to flee, except
for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother.
So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food."
The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is Hell, bring us the food." So he gives them the last
morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine."
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things
are these days!"
"War is Hell, bring us the wine." So the young man manages
half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman."
"But everyone has left the village. The only female present
here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is Hell, bring her to us." The old woman is brought and
she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it
and say, "We'll let you off this time'"
"You don't get off that easy," Granny cries, "War is Hell!!"
.......................
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest cheat in Canada.
Did you hear about the woman who went to the automotive store to ask
for a new dipstick, as the one in her car didn't reach the oil?
.......................
One day, a lawyer was riding in his limo and saw two
men sitting on the side of the road eating grass. He
ordered his driver to stop the limo and stepped
outside. "Excuse me," the lawyer started. "May I ask as
to why you are consuming that green ... plant?"
The skinnier man replied, "We have no money ... we
haven't eaten in weeks," the man pulled some grass out
of his torn pocket. "This is for my wife and-"
The lawyer cut him off. "Come ... Come with me! To my
home! You deserve better than this dead dry grass!"
The two men looked at each other. The thin one said, "I
have a wife and 4 kids," he pointed to his friend, "he
has a wife and 8 children! Will you still take us in?"
The lawyer gave them a warm smile. "Of course! I feel
it is my duty ... Besides the grass at my house is nice
and green ... and at least 2 feet tall!!"
................................
Driving to a new restaurant, Judy took several wrong
turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her
husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"
"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied.
"You always know where you're going when I'm driving."
............................
My neighbour found out her shnauzer dog could hardly hear so
she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she
wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store
and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not
using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your
legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it
on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week...rolling
.......................
and finally...
. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).
. A backwards poet writes inverse.
. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
. Every calendar's days are numbered.
. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
good fortune ...
pops
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03 |
