friday funnies...
True / False questions.
Answers are at the bottom.
Apples not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane
just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can
for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh
cousins.
If coloring was not added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. (green coke? rolling
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answers to the quiz......believe it or not, they are all TRUE
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
GWB says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One"
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV
and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!!!"
............................
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into atrance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to
swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "S#*t" said the hypnotist.
...It took three weeks to clean up the theater...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
"They keep talking about this, but if Joe Leiberman wins, he will not be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands; that, of course, was Monica Lewinsky." -Jay Leno
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was
to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't
perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an
awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell
had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's
amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation!
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the
Pulletsurprise.
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Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a
high salary."
Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what
you're doing!"
Do unto others; then run like hell
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What Do You Call A Fish With No Eye ? Answer : A fsh.
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Major Research Institution (MRI) has recently announced the
discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. This
element is the result of the Government's Transformation initiatives
currently being pursued.The new element has been tentatively
named "Governmentium".
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.
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and finally...
Some examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class
during history tests...
1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake-
speare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couple.
2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practiced on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer
in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
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