French Military History in a Nutshell Currently making the
rounds in the military community:
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the
next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by,
of all people, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of
French Warfare;
"France's armies are victorious only when not
led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country
to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and
Indian War-
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as
the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "De Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare;
"France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the
opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember
the First Rule!)due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended
up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the
role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on
a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner,
but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement
in the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades,
and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare;
"We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts
to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge
in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French
should not be
"Can we count on the French?",
but rather
"How long until France collapses?"
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." |
