The French, being French, have had a remarkable lack of success when it
comes to fighting wars. The following is a brief summary of their history
of dubious military achievements.
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War? -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frenchmen the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, due only to the fact that the opponent was
also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any
improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. Ignominiously withdraw after huge defeats in
1954.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Classic Quote: "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting
without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld |
