COMMENTARY
The George and Saddam Show: Stones and
Sticks
By Bruce McCall, Bruce McCall is a regular contributor to the New
Yorker.
The first George W. Bush-Saddam Hussein Debate:
President Bush: Mr. Dictator, we know you folks have
a mass of destructive weapons, mass weapons of
destruction, destructive mass weapons and so forth,
and you'd better....
Saddam Hussein: I cannot talk with this man until I am
paid my usual speaking fee, in cash.
President: You'll have to see Cheney on that.
Hussein: In any event, I require an hour before
beginning, in order to collect my notes.
President: He's stalling again. Time is running out, Mr.
Saddam. Or is it Mr. Hussein? If you guys can't get
your own names straight, how can we?
Hussein: How do I know that this glass of water is not
poisoned? Summon my elite Republican Guard taster!
President: You know, that mustache of yours reminds
me of Yosemite Sam.
Hussein: I require a timeout to tie my shoelace.
President: He's one of my all-time favorite cartoon characters.... Wait a sec!
He's wearing combat boots! Tying that shoelace could take hours! Another
deliberate evasion.
Hussein: Combat boots are necessary in case the U.S. tricksters should attempt
a hotfoot.
President: I'll give you a hotfoot.
Hussein: I come in peace and he speaks of hotfeet! My combat boots are a
soldier's footwear. You, with your ridiculous cowboy boots!
President: Genuine Texas cowboy boots. Real alligator skin. You know how
much these set me back?
Hussein: Your eyes really are too close together. I had thought that was only the
photographs, but no.... Little beady eyes, too close together. How can I debate
a beady-eyed man?
President: We wear cowboy boots so we won't get bit by snakes. That's
appropriate here.
Hussein: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."
I turn this old American adage against my opponent.
President: Stones and sticks? Good one! You mean, insults just bounce off,
right? Could you go slower and repeat that?
Hussein: I will repeat only that we have no weapons of mass destruction. Some
old vacuum cleaner parts, a few Roman candles for my birthday party.
President: It's clear that we're getting nowhere, and it's time for my nap, so....
Hussein: We Iraqis have an old saying, that the camel who sleeps while the
jackals are awake is easy prey.
President: Now that's a fine howdy-do, your bringing prayer into it. You oughta
get back to Baghdad pronto and pray your brains out. You'll need every ....
Hussein: Your threats do not scare Saddam Hussein, beady-eyed bully boy.
President: You want to take this outside?
Hussein: You think you're tough enough?
President: Just try me, horse face.
Hussein: Better a horse face than a beady-eyed man with eyes too close
together, like a marmoset!
President: Marmoset! You hear that? He called me a marmoset! Dick, Rummy,
Condi -- what's a marmoset?
The debate is closed, with no plans for a repeat.
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