We like so love Americans
Lisa Gabriele
National Post
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Dear AWESOME Americans, First off: You guys totally rock. We mean that. If anything bad happens to you guys, we are going to be SO on your side, cross our hearts hope to die stick a needle in our eye called it stamped it can't erase it. But we understand if you don't believe us on account of SOME Canadians who have SUPER big mouths who shall remain totally UNnameless.
Second off: Oh. My. God. We are SO embarrassed about what our Liberal MP, Carolyn (Parachute Pants) Parrish, said the other day when she was all, "Damn Americans. I hate those bastards." That's almost as whack as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's former communications director, Françoise (Feathered Bangs) Ducros saying, "What a moron," about your President, George (So Not a) W(anker) Bush.
Third off: Though this whole war thing is getting RIGHT out of hand, if someone tried to, like, kill our Dad, they'd be SO dead at recess, too.
But we're writing you this note because we're totally begging please DO NOT be mad at us because honestly the rest of Canada had NOTHING to do with those off-the-record-utterances made in the safe confines of our brand of scrums whereby reporters and political leaders seem to enjoy a lot of intimate, insider nudging and winking, all the while assuming off-colo(u)r comments are off-the-record, when, in fact, they are SO not.
Here's our opinion:
1. They are so jealous of you guys and your global superpower status, and your ability to annihilate any country which poses even a tangential threat.
2. Which means they totally want to BE you.
3. Which means they totally LOVE you.
4. Which means they totally want to MARRY you.
Finally, do NOT be mad at Britain for passing you this note. They're, like, our BEST friends in the world:
1. Because they totally know us from way back.
2. We have the same exact Queen.
3. We have the same exact spelling of words such as "Survivo(u)r," and "The Bachelo(u)r."
Britain knows how sorry we are. Go ahead. Ask them. They'll totally stick up for our good character, not to mention our millions of acres of arable land, plus a seemingly endless fresh water supply, plus world-class marijuana, plus OIL, plus now DIAMONDS. Yes, we KNOW you guys got THE most awesome TV shows, but you don't have EVERYTHING in the world that's great. We got stuff, too, you know, and maybe we're pretty sick of hearing you guys all the time going, "Ooo, look at us, we're SOOO great because we're AMERICANS, oooo."
So, anyways you guys, thanks for reading this far. And if you send this note back unopened, FINE. We do not even care. But you better give us back OUR Avril Lavigne plus OUR Shania Twain. By the looks of what you've been feeding them, we're pretty sure they can both fit snugly inside the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope.
From Canada With LIKE
Lisa Gabriele is the author of Tempting Faith DiNapoli, published by Doubleday Canada.
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