friday funnies...
A man named JJ was driving down the road one day when he saw this duck
walking along the road. JJ stopped and pick the duck up and put him in
the front seat with him. Then drove off. The duck was looking out the
window when JJ passed a policeman, which come after JJ and stopped him.
The officer said JJ had to take that duck to the zoo. JJ agreed so off
they went. The next day JJ went out driving again and took the duck
along. And again the duck was looking out the window and passed the same policeman. Which stopped JJ again. He said to JJ "I told you yesterday that you had to take that duck to the zoo " JJ responded politely, " Yes I know officer you did. And I took him to the zoo. Today I am taking him to the ballgame. "
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The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A lot of money is tainted; it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself.
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I went to the store the other day; I was in there for only about five
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horsestuff. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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stoopid joke of the week...
I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year
during the first week of April, the Native Canadians would wake up
at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They did this
powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:
1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and
their families fed all year;
2. To ward off harm/evil;
3. And to gain great wisdom.
It goes like this:
Oooooh waaaaah (pause)
Taaaaa foooooo (pause)
Lie aaaammmm (pause)
Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and
more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become
wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!! (oooh wha taa foo lie am) gotcha!
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock.
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New Sex Study...It has been determined, the most used sexual position
for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at Terri, a
blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" Then Terri looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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It's winter in Manitoba
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52º below!
Oh, how I love Manitoba
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
Your nose freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Manitoba
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground !!!
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A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in." She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
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Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said Finkelstein,
have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars." Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?" "It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk." "But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it." But Moskowitz went on... Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore." "Moskowitz," said Finkelstein almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?" "You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra." Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
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Q: What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft
and wet in the middle, starts with a C and
ends with a T ?
A: A coconut.
Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would
you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of
your pint than to forget where you left it!
and finally...
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
