Wait! Here's the latest:
HOUSTON: It was revealed today that an investigative committee has returned findings that prove that President John F. Kennedy was not assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, as previously believed. Using recently developed forensic science, including DNA fingerprinting, has shown that the real assassin was Bill Clinton, former President of the United States.
Although only 17 years old at the time, Clinton showed an early sophistication for political ambition. Believing that he would be appointed the new Vice President, Clinton carried out the assassination using a mail order weapon purchased from well known actor Charlton Heston.
"Had I known that he was that good a shot, I would given him a free membership to the NRA", Charlton said after being informed of the new findings. "America needs good shots in this war against...uh...whomever".
Reached while on a golf trip with close friend Bob Dole, Clinton said, "Well, I'm glad the cat is finally out of the bag. Now, I'll bet they find those 142 other bodies I buried. It was a good run, but I guess it had to end".
The current president, George W Bush, had no comment, as it was 5:30 pm and thus after his bedtime. |
