ROLF thanks JB...friday funnies...
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money,"she replied.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
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Q. How much calcium is there in a woman's breasts?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.
Q. Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
A. Because it is hand made.
Q. When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a cock teaser.
What is a male called when he does the same to a female?
A. Moisturizer
Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis?
A: The Man.
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stoopid joke of the week...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger coming than going.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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Hysterical Historical...
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son
of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good Pepito! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Pepito,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans." "Who said that?" she
demanded.
Pepito put his hand up. "J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glares
and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to the Japans Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shat. If you
say
anything else, I'll kill you."
Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shat, we're in BIG trouble!, we better get
the hell outta here!!"
Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python
weally gives a thit."
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and finally...
Three babies are in their mothers womb.
One of them says, I want to be an artist,
so everyone will know what it looks like in here.
The next one says, I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so
much
practice in here.
Then the last baby says, I'm going to be a hunter,
because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop
that
damned thing in half!
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune... |
