Andy Borowitz
Thousands of Saddams surrender
$25 Million bounty 'motivating factor,' officials believe
newsandopinion.com | Just hours after the U.S. announced a $25 million reward for the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, thousands of Saddam Husseins surrendered to the American authorities in Baghdad, officials said today.
U.S. officials admitted that the mob of Saddam Hussein look-alikes presenting themselves to claim the reward was "an unexpected consequence" of announcing the $25 million bounty.
Overwhelmed by the volume of surrendering Saddams, the U.S. was forced to set up a "temporary Saddam Hussein processing center" in a former government building, with a line of Saddams snaking around the block.
Interviews with a handful of the nearly three thousand Saddams indicated that the $25 million reward was a key motivation behind their decision to turn themselves in.
"Any Saddam Hussein who says he's not doing it for the money is a liar," said Saddam Hussein, 57, of Basra.
But Saddam Hussein, 74, of Mosul, offered a slightly different assessment.
"It's time for the Iraqi people to move on, and I'm here to help them do that," said Mr. Hussein, moments before getting into a shouting match with Saddam Hussein, 43, of Kirkut, who snapped, "I'm the real Saddam Hussein, grandpa!"
"I was Saddam Hussein when you were still in diapers, punk!" the elder Mr. Hussein shot back.
Interim administrator L. Paul Bremer told reporters that the U.S. might consider divvying up the $25 million reward money among the several thousand Saddams, but only if they could offer "reasonable assurances" that they might in fact be Saddam Hussein.
"Quite frankly, some of these guys look more like Tom Selleck after a rough night," Mr. Bremer said. |
