friday funnies...
A man was injured in an industrial accident and was rushed to a doctor who determined that one of his testicles was crushed. The crushed testicle was removed and the man was assured that he would
be fine, no complications. Physically he was fine but mentally he knew he was lighter on one side than the other, which caused him to walk in circles. After trying to overcome the problem without any luck he returned to the doctor very distraught. Doc! You've got to help me. I am about to lose my job and my wife because of walking in circles! Well, the doctor had never encountered such a problem. As he pondered it he went to his refrigerator for a snack. There he noticed an onion. Ha! He quickly measured the man's remaining testicle, peeled off layers of onion until the onion was exactly the same size as his testicle. A minor operation, and the man walked out of the office as straight as an arrow! And to this day that man is normal, with two exceptions: When he sees a hamburger he gets an erection and when he pees, his eyes water.
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A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping
spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts
her skirt. The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman
snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!" The hillbilly says,
"And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
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stoopid joke of the week...
In light of the news of the so called human cloning going on, we
have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question. If you pushed your
naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:
A ) murder,
B ) suicide, or
C ) merely making an obscene clone fall.
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Cindy, Suzanne and Jacqui are sitting in a doctors office waiting for
their pregnancy test results. Suzanne says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." Jacqui replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." Cindy, a Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Oh my god, then I'm gonna have puppies!"
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It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece. The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the least significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn. So he was devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher."You should have known better." it read, "Our firm never publishes
pawnography."
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Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Are birth control pills deductible?
A. Only if they don't work.
Doug goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her
voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Harrisburg, Pennsylvania:
There is a law against: having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
In Nevada:
There is a law against: having sex without a condom.
In Willowdale, Oregon:
There is a law against: a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear
during sex.
In Clinton, Oklahoma:
There is a law against: masturbating while watching two people have sex in a car.
In the state of Washington:
There is a law against: having sex with a virgin under any
circumstances (including the wedding night).
In Tremonton, Utah:
There is a law against: having sex in an ambulance.
In Newcastle, Wyoming:
There is a law against: having sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
In Alexandria, Minnesota:
There is a law against: a man having sex with his wife with the stink
of onions,sardines, or garlic on his breath.
In every state in the union:
There is a law against: having sex with a corpse.
In Ames, Iowa:
There is a law against: drinking more than three slugs of beer while
lying in bed with a woman.
and finally...
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
socks and I've got blue ones...heheha...
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
