friday funnies...
A boxer staggered back to his corner
after taking a beating for six rounds.
"Dont give up now," whispered his
manager. "You've got a no-hitter going."
About a year ago I took up line dancing. I got so into it I had to
join a self-help group to stop. It's a TWO STEP program.
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Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items
like "cumin" or "tofu"; For all I know, these are the same thing. And
never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a Man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete
stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up
something
else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay,
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother, too.
Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is
fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went...
She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except
this ugly frog. As she walked by the glass tank he was in, he looked and
winked at her...
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, a talking frog, pretty special
and maybe a good companion. She hadn't found anything else quite so full of
possibilities. She brought the frog and put him in the car...
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT
BE SORRY". So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........
AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO??????????? see below...
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Would you please spell the name as it appears on the
card, sir?" The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
RED SKELTON'S SUCCESS FOR HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in
Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the
lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
11. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
12. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said "Dust!"
13. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
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AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????...
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND......
.......................
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDs?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
.......................
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his
first assignment. He submitted the following report to his
editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We
don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write
something more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the
Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car
accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with
lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
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If someone calls you an idiot, don't open your mouth and prove it!
and finally...
An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.
The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous
and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife
to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.
So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see
the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the
examining room.
The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn
around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the
examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she
can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.
"Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't
get an erection either!"
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
