A realistic plan for securing Iraq and its oil:
The problem here, is that Iraqis are fighting for their own land, while we aren't. This means they will be willing to suffer more and longer than we will. So, here's the solution:
1. Remove the entire Arab population from the southern Iraq oil fields.
2. Send them to refugee camps around Baghdad, and turn that area (which has no oil) over to the UN. Any further pacification of that area that is needed, can be done with massive firepower from the air, like Israel does in Gaza.
3. Send the families of all our soldiers to Iraq, and build settlements for them, on the cleared land, which will be annexed to the U.S., and called the Territory of Wolfowitzistan. Later, it can be admitted as the 52d State called Jacksonia. (Israel being the 51st). The new State is named after the President who ethnically cleared the Cherokee from Alabama, and who gave us the term "Jacksonian democracy". "Democracy for Americans, Death for Others" will be the official motto of the new State.
4. On any exposed critical infrastructure, make sure our soldiers are properly incentivised(sic) to protect it. Put a mobile home, with young wives and kids of GIs, every 200 yards along oil pipelines. Any civilian casualties will provide excellent stories for CNN, convincing all red-blooded Americans that Arabs are subhuman habitually violent savages.
5. To provide permanent forward fire bases, make a list of all the places named in the Bible where Jews used to live in what is now Iraq. Since they once lived there, they still have claim to the land. Perhaps DeLay and Falwell can issue a Christian Zionist fatwa, saying all those places were promised to the Jews by God. Place Jewish settlements on all of them. The Arabs will concentrate their attacks on these, but the Jews know how to handle it, and they are crazy fundamentalists willing to die for their sacred land.
6. In the north, settle Kurds on all the oil fields. Expel all non-Kurds from any area where guerrilla attacks are happening. Build a Wall, with wide mine-fields and free-fire zones, along the borders of the Kurdish State. Place the Wall to enclose all areas where Kurds live (or would like to live). The Turks and Iranians and Syrians will be pissed, so, to keep the peace, we'll need to provide the Kurds with an effective deterrent. We've got several Trident submarines we aren't using (or using to do whale research). A couple of them, for the new Kurdish Navy, ought to impress the neighbohood.
7. Withdraw from the UN, the Geneva Conventions, and any other inconvenient treaty or balky organization. Found a new Relevant United Independant-not Nations (RUIN), composed of all nations that agree ahead of time to place their armies and territory at the disposal of the US, whenever we want. This new organization can provide us with all the resolutions we need to legitimize anything we want to do. Any nation that joins RUIN is (by definition) a democracy, and part of the Free World, while any who don't join have defined themselves as terrorist States and surrender monkeys.
I'm sure all reasonable people, and all patriots, will agree this plan is more realistic and humane than what we are doing now. |
