Astute observations on life .......
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed,
but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that
statement. (Mark Twain)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.(Mark
Twain)
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
(Les Dawson)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho
Marx)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she
stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. (Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it.
(W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns) |
