Swiped from the CHK board:
CHILI COOK OFFS
Please read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may live
in Texas (or New Mexico), you know how true this is! They actually have a
chili and Bar-B-Q cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
You will likely want to read this behind closed doors, because, if you are
like me, you will be howling out loud!!.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
*Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other 2 judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER MOBSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato, amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very Mild.
*****************
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy!!!!
*****************
CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
*****************
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children . I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
*****************
CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great Kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
*****************
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.....get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.
*****************
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
*****************
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it.....is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Mama is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************
CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
*****************
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead , and my
upper lip if I still have one. I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and the
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************
CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
*****************
intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!!!
*****************
CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
Three (Frank), he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
*****************
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of Lava-like-shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach. |
