last night I had another telemarketer call me
some nice young woman trying to sell me a program for discounted merchandise club
I thought I would pull my usual un-American gag
"I dont purchase anything, ever, really, and that is so un-American that I am truly ashamed"
she laughed, and asked what I do buy
I said "groceries, a taco now and again, and plenty of prophylactics, since a fellow can never be too prepared"
I howled at my end, but showed no clue
she finally laughed hard, and asked about my Christmas shopping plans
I could not resist, of course, thinking quickly
she was at a disadvantage since I have done this before on numerous occasions
I said "at Christmas I usually buy restaurant gift certificates for married friends, a token gift certificate to my sister, some cashew for Pops, but my favorite is wrapping myself up in a bow and offering myself in a hot bed session to a couple younger women I know... it often works, which pleases me, but it does not support the economy... well, except for the prophylactics"
she laughed hard at that one
I finally added that if I bought the merchandise club membership, I would be because she sounded so nice and sexy
she laughed again
I closed by saying I am a bad consumer, never buying shirts or pants, prefering to receive them myself as Christmas gifts
why just last week, I did a little carpentry job for my parents and good ole Mom had a nice flannel shirt for her boy
I hung up gracefully
my favorites are responding to telemarketers for long distance phone and newspapers
I tell the phone people that I do not have a telephone
that baffles them
I tell the newspaper people that I do not know how to read
that baffles them
I once told a carpet cleaning salesman that I prefer dirty carpets, and some of my best friends are fleas
that reply produced some dead air
I ended up breaking the impasse with laughter of my own
I once told an electricity telemarketer that I owned a treehouse, and hoped by next year to get electric wiring to the place... and right now, all I have is a makeshift bathroom, which I use liberally in streaming down on my neighbors
<G><G> these guys deserve all the bullshit nonsense we can throw at them
"obstreperous"... damn, I am impressed you use big words
more like "ornery, difficult, humorous, charming rogue"
my little mother coined "charming rogue" which fits best
that was a long time ago
when women get to know me, I share that and they nod YES
/ jim |
