It's "Columbus Day" folks! Here is Stan Freberg's tribute to him. You should be aware that FL, Steven Spielberg, and I can do this entire bit from memory. And so can many, many others.
____________________________
Scene One: Columbus Meets With Queen Isabella ( and the King)
Narrator: Fourteen-ninety-two, Madrid. The queen of Spain grants an audience to an obscure Italian sailor. There in her chambers plans are made destined to change the course of history.
Columbus: Alright, we'll go over it once again. First you hock the jewels, you give me the money and I buy the ships. Then I discover the “New World,” you dump the king, and I'll send for you.
Isabella: You say you'll send for me, darling, but will you?
Columbus: Oh, look! We've been all through this before!
Isabella: I know, but really, you're such a dreamer! You'll go out there and you'll sail right off the edge of the world.
Columbus: I will not!
Isabella: Wait! You're such a charming boy, darling. Why don't you forget all this? I'll set you up with a nice little Fiat agency over in West Barcelona.
Columbus: I don't want a Fiat agency.
Isabella: Well, why don't you go to art school like your friend da Vinci? I'll put you through.
Columbus: Look, if Lenny wants to starve to death, that's up to Lenny. Me, I want to discover the New World; carry out my dream . .
(fanfare)
Heralder: His majesty, King Ferdinand!
Isabella: (gasp) The king!
Columbus: Oh, sure, “He'll be at the Inquisition all afternoon,” eh?
Isabella: The time just slipped away. Quickly, take the jewels and go, over the balcony.
(sound of door opening and footsteps)
Columbus: Too late.
Isabella: Good afternoon, dear. How was the Inquisition, amusing?
Ferdinand: Dullsville, same old . . . Hey, who's that?
Isabella: Oh, you remember Christopher Columbus.
Ferdinand: Oh, you mean old "Round, Round World?" You and your Bohemian friends.
Isabella: He's not Bohemian. He's Italian.
Ferdinand: Italian, Bohemian, look at him in that hat! Is that a crazy sailor?
Isabella: Crazy? I'll tell you how crazy! He's a man with a dream, a vision, a vision of a new world, whose alabaster cities gleam undimmed by human tears, with purple mountain majesties above the two cents plain . . .
Ferdinand and Columbus: Fruited.
Isabella: Fruited. He holds these dreams to be self-evident, this round, round world, with Indians and justice for all. Let us then go forward, together, towards Miami Beach, that the dream of this crazy Italian boy, indivisible, should not perish from the map!
Ferdinand and Columbus: (clapping) Bravo! Bravo!
Columbus: Was that moving? Was that a great bit?
Ferdinand: Listen, I always said this girl had a lot . . . wait a minute! I ask a simple question, I get a pageant. Why should Spain sponsor you? Why don't you go to Portugal?
Columbus: I did. They bought “The Price is Right.”
Ferdinand: Oh.
Columbus: Then I have your permission to sail?
Ferdinand: Have you had your shots?
Columbus: I have.
Ferdinand: Permission granted.
Columbus: Gracias, arivaderci.
Ferdinand: Hasta la vista.
Isabella: Adios.
Ferdinand and Columbus: Adios muchachos companeros . . .
Ferdinand: Will you get out of here? (sound of running)
Ferdinand: Strange, he left by the balcony.
Isabella: Force of habit, I guess.
Ferdinand: Yeah . . . Er, how's that again?
Isabella: Nothing!
Ferdinand: Isabella, when are you going to quit fooling around with these nuts?
Scene Two: Columbus' First Voyage
First Mate: Admiral Columbus, sir, the men are weary. On the point of madness.
Columbus: That’s the trouble with labor today. Don’t they realize we’re going to discover the New World?
King: You’ve been saying that for the last 57 days.
Columbus: Well, nobody forced you to come along, Your Majesty.
King: My doctor told me I should go to Florida for the winter.
Columbus: Mm hmm.
King: I still can’t see what you needed three ships for!
Columbus: I got a better deal on the fleet rate.
King: I’ll accept that. But you better sight land soon. There’s rumblings of mutiny!
Columbus: Really?
King: Come over here and listen.
Columbus: Alright.
Crew: Rumble, rumble, rumble. Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny.
Columbus: I see what you mean. I’ll jump up here on the rigging and speak to ‘em.
King: You mean on top of everything else, this ship is rigged?
(Bosun’s whistle)
Columbus: Now hear this, this is the Admiral speaking! I know the going has been rough, but if we can just hold out a while longer-
Crew: Rumble.
Columbus: Stop that rumbling down there!
Crew: Rumble.
King: Who can blame ‘em? The whole thing is madness! I don’t like the way the crew is acting!
Columbus: Well, you’re overplaying a bit yourself, there.
King: I tell you the world is flat, and that’s that!
Columbus: It’s round as your hat.
King: It’s flat as your head.
Columbus: It’s round!
King: It’s flat!
Song: It's A Round, Round World
Columbus:
It's a round, round world,
It's a round, round world!
I contend it's round
And it's gonna be found
(When all the results are in)
It's a round world now and it's always been!
King:
Flat, flat world!
It's a flat, flat world!
I insist it's flat
As a lovely mat
And he’s sailing off the edge-
How about our crazy Italian...
Columbus:
Friend, get hip!
Would I climb aboard this ship
If I didn't have odds
That the earth is highly spherical?
King:
It's a miracle if it is-
Columbus:
Square, square king,
You're a square, square king!
If you don't believe
You're gonna receive
The shock of your royal life
When the ship pulls in at Miami-
Crew:
Yo ho ho
And a dramamine,
We are loyal subjects of the king and queen!
But what kind of nut
Would you have to be
To borrow a ship and put out to sea
When you don't know what's on the other side?
Columbus:
Ferdinand:
Round, round world
All week long on a hardtack bun
It's a round, round world
Brother, who said getting there is
I contend it's round
Half the fun (breath)
And it's gonna be found
Give up my throne for one Navy Bean
When all the results are in
No wonder I'm turning three shades of green
It's a round world now
How could I go on such a loony
And it's always
Columbus:
Crew:
Trip get hip, would I climb
Crazy kind of scheme
Aboard this ship
It's a cockamamy dream
If I didn't have odds
If we don't sight land we're
The earth was highly spherical
gonna scream
Ferdinand:
It's a miracle if it is
Columbus:
Crew:
Square, square crew
Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain
You're a square, square crew
There's a typhoon coming up
If you don't believe
But where's John Wayne?
Columbus:
Ferdinand:
You're gonna receive
I feel like a red witch
The shock of your salty lives
Having a wake
When I take command in the
How much of the ocean
name of
bit do you think I can take ?
Claim that land in the name of
of...
Columbus:
Isabella and Ferdinand -
Ferdinand:
(That's Ferdinand and Isabella)
Both: New rulers of this round, round world !
Crew:
Crazy kind of scheme
It's a cockamamy dream
But we hope it's a round, round
world!
King: Well, for all our sakes, I hope-
Lookout: Land, ho!
King: What was that?
Columbus: French horns.
King: No, before that.
Columbus: It was the lookout. He sighted land!
Crew: Hooray!
Columbus: Quickly, hand me the glass. (sound of equipment)
Columbus: No, no, the other one!
King: Oh… Oh! (sound of champagne poured into a glass)
Columbus: To the New World!
King: Likewise!
Scene Three: Columbus Is Discovered!
King: Alright, go ahead, give the kid top billing.
Columbus: Ah, it was just a thought.
King: No, go ahead.
Columbus: Alright-(clears throat) I claim this land in the name of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain!
Native: How!
Columbus: Well, first I stick the flag in the sand, and then I-
King: Watch yourself, Admiral. Natives-they may be hostile.
Columbus: Well, we’re all a little hostile now and then; some of us can sublimate, others can’t adjust. You know how it is…
King: I know, but you better try and talk to ‘em!
Columbus: Alright, alright. Hello there, hello there. We white men--other side of ocean. My name Christopher Columbus.
Native: Oh? You over here on a Fulbright?
Columbus: Huh? Uh, no,no, I’m over here on an Isabella, as a matter of fact. Which reminds me, I want to take a few of you guys back on the boat with me to prove I discovered you.
Native: What you mean, you discover us? We discover you.
Columbus: You discovered us?
Native: Certainly. We discover you on beach here. Is all how you look at it.
Columbus: Yeah, I never thought of that. At any rate, my men and I were wondering if you could spare a little food?
Native: What kind num-nums you want?
Columbus: Well, what is that strange plant you’re holding there, with yellow kernels?
Native: You mean this? (brass fanfare)
Columbus: Yes. What is that?
Native: French horns.
Columbus: No, what you’re holding in your hand.
Native: Oh-corn.
Columbus: That’s what I thought it was. What else you got to eat around here?
Native: Oh, Berries, herbs, naturally grown fruits, and organically grown vegetables.
Columbus: That’s what I suspected. What kind of a diet is that? That’s why I’ve come here. To fulfill my dream.
Native: You have a dream?
Columbus: Yes, I do.
Native: Would you like to talk about it?
Columbus: I certainly would. My dream is to open the first Italian restaurant in your country. Give me some real food: starches, spaghetti, cholesterol-all the better things. That’s called progress, you see?
Native: Hmmmm.
Columbus: Now right here would be a good location for the restaurant. Ocean view and all that. Is there room for a parking lot?
Native: You kidding? Whole country is parking lot.
Columbus: I s’pose. Well, I’d like to put a little deposit down on the property here.
Native: Okay.
Columbus: I only have a few dubloons on me, so if you’ll direct me to the nearest bank, I’ll get a check cashed.
Native: You out of luck today. Banks closed.
Columbus: Oh? Why?
Native: Columbus Day.
Columbus: Oh, yeah…We going out on that joke?
Native: No, we do reprise of song, that help.
Native and Columbus: But not much, no…..
Song: It's A Round, Round World (Reprise)
Columbus:
Indians:
Round, round world
Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve
It's a newfound world
Now the white man's here I guess
And the land looks good
It's time to leave
Like a continent should
But why go to war and fight like
Complete with a flag unfurled
a jerk
Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work
In an Indian extravaganza
Wyatt Earp or Bonanza -
Columbus: Please don't call us, we'll call you -
Ferdinand: Step aside pal, meet the new -
Both: Big cheeses of this round, round world !
freberg.8m.com |
