washingtonpost.com
Buying a Way Out of the WMD Hunt
By Art Buchwald
Tuesday, October 21, 2003; Page C02
When the news came out that weapons of mass destruction could not be found in Iraq, the president said: "I know they are there. We have to look harder."
"Yes sir, Mr. President. You are not the only one who believes it. Colin Powell, Don Rumsfeld and Karl Rove all insisted they were there, and that is why we attacked Iraq."
"Why isn't David Kay, our WMD inspector, on our side?" Bush asked.
"Perhaps because he is on the other side."
"Either that or he hasn't looked hard enough," the president said. "I'm not going to go all around America justifying the war if we don't find any weapons of mass destruction. I know for a fact, because the CIA told me that once they find Saddam Hussein he will tell us where they're hidden. What will it cost to continue the search?"
"A lousy $600 million, sir, not counting the $200 million we've spent so far."
Mr. Bush said, "Who in his right mind would complain about that kind of tip money?"
"The boys in the basement have an idea. Suppose we buy weapons of mass destruction from Iran and North Korea? We could ship them to Baghdad by Federal Express."
The president said: "It is a good idea. I would rather buy them than look for them. What do we do about David Kay?"
"We don't tell him. After the package is delivered, someone will tip him off as to where the weapons can be found. Once he 'finds' them, Colin Powell goes on David Letterman and breaks the news to America."
The prez said, "Either Letterman or Jay Leno, whoever is more believable."
"Then after Colin confirms there are WMDs in Iraq, your election campaign will start in earnest. You will say your reason for going to war has been justified, and all the naysayers will have to eat crow."
Bush said: "Suppose the Axis of Evil tells us they can't afford to spare their weapons of mass destruction? What do we do then?"
The aide said, "We'll promise to replace them from our own stock of WMDs."
"Good thinking. Does the CIA have to know?"
"No way. They're a rogue agency and the less they know, the better it is for us."
The president said: "We'll send Don Rumsfeld on a goodwill mission to Iran. He can propose the deal to the ayatollah."
"This thing looks better and better. Who should we send to North Korea?"
"Ambassador Wilson. He can talk to Kim while his wife finds out how many WMDs they have."
"Can the Wilsons be trusted?"
"They did a job for Vice President Cheney and he was pleased with their reports."
Mr. Bush said: "Let's do it. We can take the money out of the Head Start program."
"Sir, you are going to make the boys in the basement very happy."
"I'm not doing any more than Martin Sheen would do in 'The West Wing.' "
© 2003, Tribune Media Services
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