Way-Off Year
By David Ignatius
Tuesday, December 30, 2003; Page A19
I received a refreshing year-end message about one of my Middle East columns from a reader a few days ago that concluded: "Your story is very good with one problem. I don't believe any word you wrote and I am convinced that you made it up!"
Well, at least he liked the column. But in the spirit of fictitious fun for the New Year, here are some news stories I hope we won't be reading in 2004, gathered with the help of my college chum and Oregon law professor Garrett Epps. If you see any of these headlines, I would suggest heading for a "secure undisclosed location" immediately:
SADDAM'S SECRET READING LIST -- Special Forces Discover Arabic Editions of 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,' 'Where's Waldo,' and 'Treason' by Ann Coulter Hidden in Underground Library.
DEAN SUPPLIED PAINKILLERS TO LIMBAUGH -- Radio Host's Alleged 'Doctor Shopping' More Extensive Than Known; Former Vermont Gov. and M.D. Refuses Comment, Except to Say: 'Bush Lied About the War.'
MILITARY BRASS ISSUES NEW 'MOST WANTED' DECK OF DEMOCRATS -- Wesley Clark Is Ace of Spades.
PARIS HILTON FAVORED FOR STATEHOUSE AS VOTERS RECALL SCHWARZENEGGER -- 'I'm Voting for Her Myself,' Says Gropinator.
RIDGE ADDS NEW ALERT COLORS -- Warning That Terrorists Are Becoming More Sophisticated and Bold, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge Expands Threat List to Include Colors From Urban Outfitters: Teal, Lime Green, Hot Pink and Robin's-Egg Blue.
BUSH SAYS WEAPONS FOUND -- 'Saddam Hid Them in North Korea,' President Avers.
SADDAM VIDEO CACHE -- Hidden Bunker Reveals Deposed Dictator's Favorites Included 'George of the Jungle,' 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' 'The Amazing Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley.'
RED SOX CHANGE TEAM NAME IN DESPERATE BID TO AVOID CURSE -- 'Boston Yankees' Expected to Mount Strong Challenge in AL East.
LAURA BUSH EYES N.Y. SENATE RUN -- 'W' to Bill: 'My Wife Can Overthrow Your Wife.'
GREENSPAN WARNS AGAINST 'IRRATIONAL HIRING' -- Does Falling Unemployment Threaten Recovery?
SEALED DEAN PAPERS CONSIST ENTIRELY OF DOODLES -- 'Bush Lied About the War' Is Most Common Message of Scribbles.
NEW BUSH FOREST-FIRE PLAN: FEWER TREES -- National Forests Full of Combustible Material, Administration Warns.
URL:http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A40030-2003Dec29.html |
