Credit Rasputin at the Pru Bear chat site for this gem. I could have written too, but it would have taken at least three beers, and I'm trying to stay alert right now.;
I bought this handy little "Translation Machine" ;) on E-bay, and decided to try it out on the latest FOMC statement. The results were extraordinary!!! Please see translations below)
Rasputin
Release Date: January 28, 2004
For immediate release
"The Federal Open Market Committee decided today to keep its target for the federal funds rate at 1 percent."
(Translation): "Yet again, we have decided to continue to ruthlessly punish savers. By the time we are finished pounding down interest rates, we will have every widow and orphan, every otherwise-prudent, thrifty citizen rushing to buy AskJeeves.com stock and Argentine bonds."
"The Committee continues to believe that an accommodative stance of monetary policy, coupled with robust underlying growth in productivity, is providing important ongoing support to economic activity."
(Translation): "We've got Bernanke whipping the printing press operators like galley slaves, cranking out so many peachbacks, that the leaders of the Weimar republic would blush! Productivity is waaay up—in China, India, Japan, Taiwan, and Mexico, providing ongoing support for our criminal friends on Wall Street who are getting fat and happy on the bond carry-trade cakewalk."
"The evidence accumulated over the intermeeting period confirms that output is expanding briskly. Although new hiring remains subdued, other indicators suggest an improvement in the labor market. Increases in core consumer prices are muted and expected to remain low."
(The Translation Machine sputters, throws a few gears, and begins to smoke, but continues to translate): "Our 'evidence' was gathered by the same folks that told us that there were tons of WMD's stacked to the sky in Iraq. The only thing that is really expanding is the waistline of 'Der-sixen-pakun' investors (and we use the term 'investor' very loosely), who merrily gorge themselves on debt/wealth created by the housing and stock market bubbles we have created. Increases in consumer prices are not just “muted”, they have been bound, gagged, blindfolded, stuffed in a trunk and buried in our dirty little back yard of hedonic adjustments, deflators, seasonal tweakings and other actuarial trickery. Inflation? We don't have no stinking inflation!"
"The Committee perceives that the upside and downside risks to the attainment of sustainable growth for the next few quarters are roughly equal. The probability of an unwelcome fall in inflation has diminished in recent months and now appears almost equal to that of a rise in inflation."
(Translation): "Okay, we'll admit it. We don't have a clue as to what's gonna happen next. And ha, ha, we never have! We are however, praying that Fannie, and Freddie don't explode on our watch, thereby blowing the lid off the monstrous derivatives cesspool that we have created. Or that JPM and GS don't have to make good on the jillions of ounces of gold we loaned them from Fort Knox, or that all those Asian suckers don't wake up one day and figure out we have given them nothing but “Glad-to-pay-you-Tuesday” I.O.U.'s for all the goods they have shipped to us, actually expecting to be paid. Sheesh, the nerve of those pushy foreigners."
"With inflation quite low and resource use slack, the Committee believes that it can be patient in removing its policy accommodation."
(The Translation Machine, its every moving part straining under the sheer weight of having been covered with Fed slime, gasps, and offers this interpretation): "Sure, WE can be patient. What do we care if we trash the currency, murder innocent retirees through massive inflation, or allow bubbles to engulf housing, stocks and bonds? We have tucked all our money (in gold and silver coins, thank you!) safely away in Zurich and Grand Cayman."
"Voting for the FOMC monetary policy action were: Alan Greenspan, Chairman; Timothy F. Geithner, Vice Chairman; Ben S. Bernanke; Susan S. Bies; Roger W. Ferguson, Jr.; Edward M. Gramlich; Thomas M. Hoenig; Donald L. Kohn; Cathy E. Minehan; Mark W. Olson; Sandra Pianalto; and William Poole."
(With its final gasp, the brave little Translation Machine blurts our the last interpretation before succumbing to the deadly Fedspeak goo smothering it:) "As usual, we had to sedate William Poole to keep him from voting for anything remotely resembling prudence in monetary policy. The rest of the gang fell right in line when we threatened to give them “Special Treasury Securities” (like we have forced upon the Social Security 'Trust Fund') instead of their regular paychecks. We then all congratulated ourselves for being Masters of the Universe and had caviar, brandy and cigars, compliments of the American taxpayers. It's a tough job, being pompous, greedy, monopolist money-destroyers, but somebody's gotta do it."
And with that, The Little Machine That Could, couldn't any longer. I carefully wrapped the spent carcass in fresh, but worthless twenty-dollar Federal Reserve Notes and gave it a proper burial. |
