You'll love this if you know Vancouver.
Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics
>
> Opening Ceremony:
>
> The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the
> government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown
> troupe and a used car salesman. A flock of peace doves will be released to
> celebrate Canada's freedoms. The doves will then be available in local
> ethnic dining
> establishments, shortly after the ceremony.
>
> Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking, and then
> the SUV's will be stolen.
>
> This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating
> the diversity of Canada's culture. Riot police will be in attendance to
> keep the performers apart.
>
> A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French.
> This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government, and will
> receive extensive coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7
> attendees.
>
> Biathlon Venue: Gastown
> Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible,
> within the permitted time.
>
> Fencing Venue: Surrey
> Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more
> individuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and
lengths
> of
> steel pipe. Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs.
>
> 100 m hurdles Venue: Commercial Drive
> Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD
> player and a 32" television set. The competitors are free to perform the
> event as many times as they
> wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors,
> were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism.
>
> Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown Eastside
> Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling,
> Squeegee-ing, Beer Can Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard
> Shelter Building.
> All events are to be performed while under the influence of crystal
> methamphetamine.
>
> Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano
> Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their
> physical appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing.
> Additional points will be added for their skill in selecting the most
> appropriate wine to accompany dishes, consisting of organic,
> pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged
> goat cheese, and raw seaweed.
>
> Freestyle Gymnastics
> Venue: Kingsway at Joyce Street (at 1 am)
> Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of an old
> Honda Civic. The competitor who scores the most, wins.
>
> Bob Sled Venue: None
> Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial
> government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles, and none of the
> competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance
> premiums.
>
> Closing Ceremony;
> The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian
> Forces helicopter fleet. Please stay well clear of that aircraft's flight
> path.
>
> In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the
> athletes being evicted from the Athlete's Village, an illegal squat in
> Stanley Park. Ceremonies will conclude with a gay Mardi Gras style parade,
> down
> Davie St. |
