Andy Borowitz
Gore endorses Aristide
Government falls seconds later
newsandopinion.com | Embattled Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide fell from power today after failing to survive a ringing endorsement from former U.S. Vice President Al Gore.
Mr. Aristide, who had been tipped off that the former Vice President was heading to the capital Port-au-Prince in order to bestow his endorsement, immediately began packing his bags, hoping to flee the country before Mr. Gore could give his speech.
But just as the Haitian President was busily throwing clothes into a suitcase, Mr. Gore appeared on national television, delivering a stem-winding endorsement of the beleaguered Mr. Aristide.
"Jean-Bertrand Aristide is a man with a plan!" bellowed Mr. Gore as President Aristide stared at the TV screen in open-mouthed horror.
Mr. Aristide’s government, which had been teetering for weeks, fell only seconds after Mr. Gore left the podium.
With rumors swirling that Mr. Gore had departed Port-au-Prince and was en route to Burbank, California, embattled Disney chairman Michael Eisner went into hiding, hoping to avoid a potentially devastating endorsement from the erstwhile veep.
According to sources close to the Disney CEO, Mr. Eisner had burrowed a tiny "spider hole" somewhere on Disney’s Burbank lot and had crept down into it to avoid being detected by the endorsement-happy Mr. Gore.
Elsewhere, Boston Red Sox fans were reeling from the news that Mr. Gore had picked their team to win the 2004 World Series.
"The A-Rod thing was bad enough, but this is really too much to bear," said Sox fan Chuck Mueller, 49. |
