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Retirement Tips from Chairman Greenspan
(To be aired on a late night cable station near you)
In case you don’t recognize me with this ten gallon hat and vibrant personality, it’s me, Alan Greenspan!
I’m the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. You know, the organization that runs monetary policy for the United States of America. You see, me and the other board members constitute a majority of the Federal Open Market Committee. And what we do is…
Well, it’s kind of hard to explain in the time allowed, so let’s just say, I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
You see, not too long ago, I was making a speech to a bunch of credit union big shots. I bet you didn’t know there were any big shots in credit unions. I bet you still think of credit unions as places where you and your fellow workers keep a savings account and make car loans to each other. Well, not any more! Now credit unions are as financially sophisticated as banks and mortgage companies. In other words, they’ll loan money to anybody under pretty much any condition. Pretty forward thinking, don’t you think?
Now while I was speech-making to these folks, I let slide an opinion that upset some people. I got to talking about Social Security, and once I got good and wound up, I just had to call it like I saw it.
Now I know, I know, that sounds funny coming from me, Alan Greenspan. Usually I prefer to beat around a bush until I kill it. But on that day I flat out told people that Social Security was going to be in trouble down the road. Down the road is when all the baby boomers start retiring and get on the public dole. Here’s what I said: "I believe that a thorough review of our spending commitments — and at least some adjustment in those commitments — is necessary for prudent policy.”
Sounds like the usual Greenspeak, doesn’t it? But then I blurted out that we were going to have to push back the retirement age or start taxing the tar out of folks pretty soon. Now I prefer pushing back the retirement age, but with AARP and all, you can’t tell what will happen.
I also said something about putting a lid on how fast those benefits get adjusted for inflation, but that was just for effect. Already the government says inflation’s coming in around two percent. Clever, huh?
The point is, I was right. We do have to do something, even it’s wrong. And a lot of people agree with me. But since this is an election year, most people up here in Washington are just cursing me. So that’s why I’m here this evening, to clear some things up. Oh sure, we still have to do something about this Social Security. But you don’t have to suffer for it. You just have to be prepared.
That’s why I’m offering you this free booklet on retirement planning. It’s called Straight Talk from Big Al the Baby Boomer’s Pal. You can get a free copy by calling the number at the bottom of your screen. And while you’re reaching for the phone, I’m going to share some of these tips just to pique your interest.
For example, Tip Number Five: There’s no magic in compounding.
I was on my personal computer just yesterday, as I am everyday, to help increase productivity for this great nation of ours. That’s when I did a little ciphering. Here’s what I found out. Say your savings account is paying top dollar, something like one percent, and you put a thousand dollars in it. Well, guess what? After ten years you’ll make about a hundred bucks. Look, you can make that much selling your old socks on Ebay. So you can stuff money away in your savings account if you want to, but you’d better have a hat and a cape to see any magic in your compounding. So here’s your tip – roll the dice in the market like everybody else.
Or how about this one -
Tip Seven: Buy a Mercedes.
Or a maybe a Porche, it’s up to you. What I’m saying is, if you’re already upside down on your car loan, no problem. Car dealers just want to move metal. And they’ll find a way to finance more than one hundred percent of your new car so you can pay off your old one. But do you think that sort of behavior is going to last forever? I say hop on that horse before it leaves the barn.
Okay, a new car won’t prepare you for retirement, but you’ll be able to drive to the office in style those extra working years before Social Security kicks in.
Step Eight: Get a side job.
This is just common sense. Maybe sell some more stuff on Ebay. Or undercut the teenager on your block who mows the lawns. Whatever you do, make sure you report the income. We need the FICA.
Tip Eleven: Forget about sending your kids to college.
Have you seen how fast college tuition costs are rising. Good thing that’s not in the CPI.
Tip: Thirteen: Sell your albums.
I know it sounds drastic, but that’s money that could be in the market.
Now these are just some of the tips you’ll read in Straight Talk from Big Al the Baby Boomer’s Pal. Sure, there’s a lot of squawking about my ideas, but you know as well as I do that something’s gotta give. So why not prepare yourself?
Order now. My tips are free with your eighteen dollars for U.S. Post Office shipping and handling. Make your check out to: “Social Security Trust Fund” and send it to the address on your screen.
Act now before I get any more ideas.
From Prudent Bear.. |
