To:JakeStraw who started this subject
From: longnshort Monday, Mar 1, 2004 6:13 PM
Respond to of 524
William Grim (WG): Senator Kerry, our readers are curious as to why your campaign headquarters is in Paris of all places.
Senator Kerry (SK): The reason is very simple. It is so hard to get decent pot au feu in South Boston. And one has to be around all of those smelly Irishmen. Most disagreeable.
WG: Yet, you yourself claimed Irish ancestry for many years. And then, there was the revelation several years ago that your ancestors were actually Austrian Jews and not Irish Catholics.
SK: That is true, and what a relief. No more green beer, or singing "My Wild Irish Rose" with Billy Bulger and the Beacon Hill hacks. And best of all, no more touch football with the Kennedys.
WG: Senator Kerry, you've come out strongly against the War in Iraq, yet you voted in favor of the war before it began. Don't you think that such an inconsistency could cause voters to doubt your credibility?
SK: Not at all. If I had known that George Bush was actually going to prosecute the war I wouldn't have voted for it. There's no inconsistency at all. It is George Bush who is inconsistent. He said he was going to wage war against Iraq and then he went out and actually did what he said he was going to do. That type of behavior is very inconsistent for a politician; and believe me, voters are not going to re-elect a politician who says what he means and means what he says. The American people want and deserve a president who dissembles and distorts the truth, and I intend to give the American people what they want.
WG: Senator, many people say that you only married your current wife, the widow of Senator John Heinz of Pennsylvania, because she inherited the Heinz fortune and is worth $800 million.
SK: Not true. I would love my wife just as much if she were only worth $750 million.
WG: So, it's true love?
SK: You can't put a price tag on true love. You can make a pretty close estimate though.
WG: When you were active in Vietnam Veterans Against the War, did you ever sleep with Jane Fonda?
SK: No. And I want to categorically state once and for all for the record: I have never slept with a woman with a net worth of less than $400 million. When I knew Jane Fonda she hadn't even met Ted Turner yet.
WG: Can you explain for our readers the bill you have introduced in the Senate called the "Hamptons Empowerment Zone Act of 2004"?
SK: Yes. This bill is a stimulus package for the building trades. It gives 100% property tax abatements for 50 years to persons or families willing to build 25-40 room mansions in the economically depressed eastern third of Long Island. The only catch is that the owners have to wait at least 30 days before they can sell their properties at 500% markup to Arab sheiks. We think that this bill will help to employ an awful lot of union workers.
WG: Will you and your wife be building a home in the Empowerment Zone?
SK: Of course. We want to set a good example by giving something back to society and helping out a depressed community where only one in five families has its own heliport.
WG: President Bush has called for a return of manned exploration to the Moon and for manned landings on Mars. Do you support these proposals?
SK: Absolutely not. That money could be better spent in making infrastructure repairs in such economically deprived areas as Chevy Chase, MD, and Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. And we could also use those funds to support nutrition programs for inner city children. Do you know that there are private school students on the Upper East Side of Manhattan who have never tasted vichyssoise? That's hard to believe in a country as rich as ours.... |
